Yuletide Chaos

Years ago I read the most hilarious 40k Xmas-themed fluff piece called “Yuletide Chaos.”  The piece was attributed to Pat Marstall, and after some digging I found what I thought to be his correct email address, so I wrote to ask permission to repost.  Unfortunately, I’ve gotten no response, so I’m going to post it anyway.  If you’re Pat Marstall and want me to take this down, no worries–and likewise, if you’re not Pat Marstall, but you wrote it and want proper credit (or want me to take it down), just let me know.

The piece is just far too awesome to rot away in a PDF on my thumbdrive.  So, without further Adieu:

 

 

+++++++++++++++++++++

Yuletide Chaos
(written by Pat Marstall?)

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Begin Transmission

Repetition of General Directive 264-A-XCIV

To: Distribution, Sectorium Primus
From: Office of The Grand Inquisitor, Ebineezar
Grinchanius
Re: Yearly Chaos Incursion

This purpose of this notice is to remind the
forgetful of the annual visitation by the minion of
Chaos known to the unworthy as Santa Claus.

+++ The Emperor’s Light Banishes the Shadows of
Heresy +++

As the diligent will recall, the incursion occurs
regularly every 8742 to 8766 terran hours, roughly
corresponding to a terran year. This trespass has
occurred with disturbing regularity since at least
the Horus Heresy, and perhaps longer, as many
records were misplaced.

+++ Love and Obey the Emperor +++

The faithful will recognize the target on sight, as
his garb and gear mark him immediately as an agent
of the abominations.

Santa Claus is a corpulent, bloated creature
approximating the human form. It wears a crimson
tunic the color of fresh blood, marking him as a
possible follower of Khorne. It is bearded, mocking
the honorable squats, and its hair is a sallow
shade of gray, betraying its unnatural age. Be
advised that despite the creatures fearsome name,
no claws have been observed, and the former is
likely a ruse.

The target has been observed in the company of
smaller creatures having the appearance of thin
(less than 30 kg, approx.), stunted (1.5 meters)
humanoids with pointed ears. Their appearance
suggests the involvement of the decadent Eldar, and
although that race denies involvement (*reference
the Rudolphian Campaign [index
4111-BGE-MMXCII-Primus], specifically the Battle of
Yukon Coneliaus IV [ibid., index 6]*), agents are
advised to be prepared for their involvement, as
the Eldar are known for their deceitful ways.

Santa Claus is conveyed by means of a grav-sled
powered by unnatural livestock as detailed below.

The target’s vehicle is a grav-sled. It has
superfluous runners which are used only on landing
and take-off. Despite the appearance, no frozen
water is necessary for its operation (another
ruse). The vehicles resemblance to the foul
Palanquin of Nurgle should not be discounted, even
though the colors continue to be reminiscent of
Khorne.

The device is powered by the unholy ministrations
of eight or nine quadrupeds. Ordo Malleus scholars
have identified these creatures as warped versions
of an extinct species of terran mammal known as a
Moose (reference 900002-ER-CIV). These beings
single-mindedly pull the target’s vehicle during
its yearly invasion. They are outfitted with belled
harnesses which are apparently imbued with the
ability of flight. These beasts have been likened
to the Fiends of Slaanesh, and such a comparison
should not be dismissed too lightly, as the
creatures shed a luminous substance as effluent as
they move. Inquisitors should take care to avoid
exposure.

Perhaps more disturbing is the variable number of
the minion-creatures. On occasion, a ninth Moose
has been observed, placed before the other Mooses.
This creature radiates a sickly reddish glow from
its snout, as a psychic beacon to other followers
of the Vile Ones. This Chaotic device has allowed
the target to navigate despite our best efforts to
jam its navigation systems.

+++ Blessed is the Virtue of Blind Faith +++

Santa Claus gains entry to the domiciles of loyal
Imperial Citizens (see below) and leaves small
Chaos Rewards to tempt the faithful.

Inquisitors are reminded to confiscate and
incinerate these items before any lasting damage is
done. As a localized temporal distortion field is
in effect around the target, these items are
secreted in the habitations of the Imperium at
exactly 2400 hours in every location. It is
therefore possible to gain entry to the citizens’
cretches and remove the items (often cunningly
hidden in footwear) before the citizens are aware
of the heresy that has been committed upon them.

In other cases, removal of the items after the
citizens have discovered them is possible. In such
cases, small children are occasionally loath to
surrender the items, as the tainting of the
juveniles has already begun. Executions of the
above are to be handled in the most expedient
manner possible.

Often, juveniles that are well within the Emperor’s
Grace are given small blocks of graphite ore rather
than the more tempting gifts visited upon the less
faithful. The identity of these individuals are to
be recorded, as future recruitment into the
Inquisition or Adeptus Terra is possible. [Note:
Inquisitors or other agents who do *not* receive
the graphite blocks should be watched carefully]

Santa Claus enters the domiciles be way of heating
ducts and waste vents. The size of the opening is
not a factor, as the creature can adjust its mass
and displacement by means of psychic manipulation.
Mining these openings with frag, krak and other
demolitions has proven unsuccessful.

The creature egresses by the same means, after
ritually caressing his nostrils. No mucus has ever
been recovered.

+++ The Death of Emperor’s Enemies is the Only Gift
We Can Give +++

Although all previous attempts at the destruction
of Santa Claus have failed, Inquisitors are urged
to make such an attempt whenever possible.

However, of more importance is the suppression of
cultist activity associated with the yearly
incursion. The Tainted have been known to erect
shrines in their homes in the form of shrubbery
adorned with baubles and lights [Note: the
shrubbery is often highly inflammable, and offers a
discrete method of executing the offending heretics
without calling undue attention to the operation].
Other warning signs include: hallucinations
involving sugered candies during slumber; excessive
singing; references to `A magical time of year’
(note the influence of Tzeentch); the construction
of effigies made of snow; and the performance of
Slaaneshi rituals while underneath plant clippings
of the genus _phoradendron flavescens_.

Once again, executions should be handled in an
expedient manner.

End Transmission
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

So that’s the piece.  Lovely, eh?  There’s also a similar version of “The Night Before Xmas” I posted last week.  Though frankly, this one is 100 times funnier to me.  The parallels between chaos and Christmas are spot on, while the little injections of Imperial writ keep you grounded throughout.  Many kudos to the writer–whoever it is.

And Merry Christmas to everyone.  Here’s to happy holidays to you and yours.

Advertisements

Have something to add?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s